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THE BASIC ELEMENTS Of
VOICE DIALOGUE, RELATIONSHIP AND
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELVES
THEIR ORIGINS AND DEVELOPMENT
By
HAL STONE, Ph.D. AND SIDRA STONE, Ph.D.
THE FIFTH ELEMENT
THE PSYCHOLOGY
OF THE AWARE EGO
With the theory of bonding patterns in place and the re-defining
of consciousness providing us with a model that seemed effective
over time, we began to think about actually changing the title
of our work to the Psychology of the Aware Ego. We realized more
and more that the core work was not about talking to selves. This
was important but not as much as the development of an Aware Ego
Process. This was really the key to the kind of changes we were
looking for.
We saw that people could work forever with selves but until there
was a true separation and dis-identification from the primary self,
changes were easily lost. We saw that, without an Aware Ego Process,
the primary self would automatically regain control. This Aware
Ego Process evolves between any pair of opposites. Some common
opposite sets of selves are power and vulnerability, pusher and
beach bum, thinking and feeling, control and release.
There are many sets of opposites and the Aware Ego Process emerges
from one set at a time. Clarity in one area does not mean clarity
in all areas. For instance, we find the someone develops an Aware
Ego process that is capable of holding the tension of opposites
between the mental and the feeling selves but - at the same time
- has no Aware Ego Process when it comes to spirituality. This
same individual who does such a good job of embracing both feelings
and thinking, still might be totally identified with spirituality
and reject selves that are ordinary or instinctual.
For a spiritually identified person to develop an Aware Ego Process
in relationship to spirituality, he or she would have to do work
that separates him/her from the spiritual self so that there is
an Aware Ego Process that can see it and experience it but not
be identified with it. This separation can be very difficult but
we have discovered a truly fascinating self we call the "spiritual
pusher" that runs the life of many a spiritual seeker. After
the separation from this spiritual self (or the spiritual seeker)
there would be the challenge to discover and integrate the spiritual
sloth, the "ordinary" self, and the instinctual.
Conversely, someone who rejects spirituality from a primary self
that is rational and mental must learn to unhook from the rational
mind so that the Aware Ego can begin to see the rational mind as
a separate self/energy system. This makes a space for the spiritual
selves to emerge and be properly embraced. At this point, we have
an Aware Ego standing between the more earthbound rules and experiences
of the mind and the numinous realms and experiences of the world
of the spirit.
At times it has felt to us as though we were running a divorce
court. In this framework we help people to learn how to get a divorce
from their primary selves. Once a person is divorced from a primary
self, the Aware Ego can learn how to use that energy in a conscious
way. Nothing is lost. The primary self simply begins to operate
under the aegis of an Aware Ego that has all the information and
input from that primary self but, in addition to this, has the
complementary information and input from the opposite self or selves.
We have tried to give you a feeling of the ongoing process we
have been in as our work has developed. The focus on the Aware
Ego dramatically changes the nature of the Voice Dialogue process.
Whatever work we may be doing with selves, the primary focus is
how to support the Aware Ego in its evolutionary process. It is
this transformation of the work that moves the system onto the
larger world stage. It now becomes more of a philosophy of life.
Yet at the same time it remains a system that anyone can integrate
into their work and it is not opposed to, or fighting against,
any psycho-spiritual system.
THE IMPORTANCE OF THE AWARE EGO PROCESS
Our hope is that all the facilitators and teachers will have a
basic understanding of the Aware Ego Process. If this understanding
is there, then the applications of the Psychology of Selves and
the actual use of Voice Dialogue will be much more effective. Deliberately
activating a self or energy system is a very exciting use of the
Psychology of Selves. But we do not see this as Voice Dialogue.
For us, Voice Dialogue - in addition to the direct work with selves
- includes an experience of opposites and an Aware Ego Process.
We finally decided not to officially change the name of the work
to the Psychology of the Aware Ego a number of years ago. Voice
Dialogue, Relationship and the Psychology of Selves has achieved
such a strong name recognition that we decided to let it rest there.
Our sense is that there is a gradual increased use of the terms “Aware
Ego Process or Psychology of the Aware Ego” amongst practitioners
and teachers and eventually this shift in name may well take place.
THE AWARE EGO AND SPIRITUALITY
We are often asked: "What is the relationship of the Aware
Ego to spirituality?" or "How does the Voice Dialogue
process address the issue of spirituality?" We would like
to take this opportunity to address these questions.
For us, it is important to understand that spirituality has two
different components that have to be considered separately. One
component of spirituality has to do with the rules. The second
component has to do with transcendent experiences - the experience
of God, of the Higher Intelligence, of the Transpersonal or whatever
name best expresses an experience that goes beyond ordinary consciousness
and the words that can describe it.
Generally in the development of religious institutions there is
first the transcendent experience and then a body of rules develops
to support this experience and bring it to others. These rules
usually become more numerous and powerful as time passes and eventually
they may well cover over the original experience.
For us, the transcendent experience is a very real and glorious
gift. Who in us receives this gift and what is done with this gift
can vary. When a self receives this gift - let us assume that it
is a spiritual self - then that self usually develops a series
of rules and expectations about this experience. And that self
judges other selves that are different and polarizes against anything
or anyone that does not fit in with its expectations and follow
its rules.
We see this as the way in which many spiritual or religious institutions
evolve. The original experience is taken up by a primary self (or
the primary self of the group) that guards it and keeps out anything
that might destroy it. Only the energy of that particular self
is considered good and it is to that self and its rules that one
must surrender. We know that much can be gained by this kind of
surrender; this is the basic premise of the Guru/disciple relationship.
The disciple surrenders to the Guru and - in doing so - can receive
the gift of the transcendent experience.
In contrast, the Aware Ego surrenders to all energies or selves.
This is quite different from surrendering only to the spiritual
energies. This means very simply that the Aware Ego is committed
to hearing, seeing and feeling all the different selves. It excludes
none. When one self starts to dominate, it is the job of the Aware
Ego to find the opposites on the other side and to consider their
input as well. In this sense the Aware Ego is like an orchestra
conductor who welcomes all the instruments and then uses their
individual contributions to sing the song of the soul.
Learning to surrender to all of the selves requires constant work
with our negative judgments towards people (and things) to help
the Aware Ego in its constant evolution towards clarity. Whenever
we feel judgments towards someone or something, we know that we
are in a primary self because the judgments come from the selves,
not the Aware Ego.
You may well ask "But how do you know when you are in an
Aware Ego? How do you know that it is an Aware Ego that is doing
the surrendering at any moment? Might you not be fooled by the
Mind that loves to act as though it were God or any other primary
self for that matter?"
The answer is that we don’t. We don't know when we are in
an Aware Ego except for brief moments of time. If your responsible
self has just been facilitated and you can feel your separation
from it, the most you can say is that at this moment of time you
have an Aware Ego Process operating in relationship to responsibility;
at this moment you have a certain level of understanding of this
responsible self and a certain separation from it.
A second answer is that when we are convinced we are operating
from an Aware Ego, we are not. We are most probably identified
with a spiritual self, a rational mind, or a control self. All
of these have a sense of certainty to them, and they like to masquerade
as the Aware Ego.
So as the Aware Ego bows down to the different gods and goddesses
of the light and the dark, of heaven and earth, of good and bad,
of body and spirit, of knowing and not knowing, it is embracing
both of the opposites. It is the "and" rather than the "either/or".
It truly represents the Middle Way.
We see the Aware Ego as surrendered to the Intelligence of the
Universe. This intelligence can manifest in many different ways.
It is not personal in any sense, though for some of us it may manifest
through our personal relationships. Others can see it with utmost
clarity in the dream process. For still others it may manifest
in meditation or spiritual practice. For many scientists it manifests
in the organizing principle at work in the material world and -
on a grand scale - in the galaxies. Whatever the case, the Aware
Ego must be surrendered to the reality of this higher intelligence
and how it can be perceived operating in his or her personal universe.
For us, the Aware Ego must also be surrendered to the way that
this higher intelligence operates in human relationship. It must
be surrendered to the idea that everyone in our life is potentially
a teacher for us. We understand that peoples’ reactions to
us must be taken seriously. And we learn to use our own negative
judgments of people as a teaching device to discover our own disowned
selves.
The Aware Ego is an expression of a psycho-spiritual consciousness
process. The Aware Ego has the job of embracing the world of Spirit
in all of its glory and, on the other side, the world of physical
matter, of emotion, of passion, and of psychological and mental
realities.
For us, it is important to not confuse spirituality with consciousness.
A consciousness process encompasses spirituality. Spirituality
does not necessarily encompass a consciousness process. Spirituality
does not encompass matter or instinctual energies. That is why
so many people in the spiritual tradition lose the connection to
their bodies and their instincts. An Aware Ego process requires
us to do the work of spirit and the work of relationship and the
physical world. For ourselves, we must say what a delight it has
been, and what a delight in continues to be, to spend our lives
in these kinds of explorations.
MOVING INTO MANY WORLDS
People use Voice Dialogue and the Aware Ego Process in many different
settings and with many different kinds of clients. Management consultants
have found a way to use the Voice Dialogue technique and the concepts
of the Psychology of Selves and bonding patterns in a business
setting with individuals who are not at all interested in consciousness
issues. They have translated the language we use here to make it
work within a different frame of reference and for a different
set of primary selves.
Coaches or a management consultants might, for example, speak
of “traditional habits” or "familiar strategies" versus “unexplored
creative potential” rather than talk of primary versus disowned
selves. They are not likely to use a term like "Aware Ego" because
this kind of language might not be acceptable in a business setting.
So they improvise - some quite brilliantly - and many have experienced
great success.
One of our major teachers keeps a focus on what we call "being" energy
because she feels that is extremely important. Others use this "being" energy
as a vehicle for igniting the spiritual energies.
Other teachers are specializing in working with the selves involved
in addiction. In the field of Western medicine, there are researchers
who are beginning to investigate the neurobiological aspects of
consciousness, meditation, and the selves.
In a totally different arena, this work has proven extremely valuable
for training actors. There, too, different words are used that
match the requirements of the situation. There is even an internationally
acclaimed Tango coach who uses the energetics of this work in his
training of competitive dancers.
There are a myriad of ways to work with the selves and we are
delighted to see the creativity and the diversity of these new
developments.
BODY DIALOGUE: The Work of Judith Tamar Stone
This is a perfect place to introduce the innovations of Judith
Tamar Stone, Hal’s daughter, who has added an entirely new
dimension to this work. In her early twenties Judith was working
at Blue Cross and very much committed to a career in business.
Her plans were interrupted when she developed a debilitating medical
condition that was diagnosed as rheumatoid arthritis. Her symptoms
were so severe that she had to abandon those particular professional
plans and devote herself to her own healing process.
Judith made a choice at that time to not follow the orthodox medical
model that is generally prescribed for these kinds of arthritic
conditions. She found an MD who was open to the idea of her trying
different treatment modalities and this began a remarkable journey
of exploration and healing that lasted five years in its more active
phase but in reality has continued to this day.
Judith opened herself to ongoing psychotherapy, to many different
forms of complementary medicine, and to certain aspects of traditional
Western medicine. She took all of us along with her on her journey.
Hal, in particular, has been delighted to work with many of the
people Judith discovered in her own explorations. Without the constant
health-oriented input and recommendations Judith has given to Hal
through the years, it is quite possible that he would not be here
today.
Very gradually, out of the profound experience that she was going
through with her own healing process, Judith began to develop a
very special and different kind of connection to her body. It became
much more real to her than it is to most of us who don’t
spend much time sensing into the body. She began to shift her overall
professional identification to psychology and she used the Voice
Dialogue work as one of the central healing modalities of her own
healing journey. Over the years she has become one of the senior
teachers of our work.
What also began to evolve was an entirely new and different aspect
of the Voice Dialogue work that Judith called Body Dialogue. What
she realized, from her own experience, was that the body had a
voice that could speak for it. She also discovered that many of
the individual parts of the body were able to speak and to give
specifically targeted information and guidance.
Even more significantly, Judith began to tune in to the fact that
the physical body carried an intelligence and that one could activate
this "intelligence of the body" and receive remarkable
information and guidance. The process of working with the body
in this way began slowly and through the years has developed into
what we consider a major contribution to Voice Dialogue and the
Psychology of Selves.
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