Holiday Selves
by
Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone,
Ph.D.
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Holiday season is a special season for
many of us – and it’s particularly special for certain
of our inner selves. It’s a wonderful time for the inner
Responsible Parents, the Pushers, the Extraverted Party Person,
the Event Planners, the Generous Givers, the Loving Caretakers,
and the Pleasers. These have a great time – usually for
the entire month of December.
And then, there’s January ….. a time for the letdown,
for the bills, the exhaustion, and for catching up on everything
that did not get done in December. Many times, the post-party
time brings with it a sense of overwhelm and general irritability.
It’s a time for the inner Scrooge to look at the credit
card bills and say, “Whatever were you thinking? How could
you spend that much?”
In this month’s “tips”, we decided to take a
look at the Holiday Selves – those wonderful selves that
give us a great time in December but never think about January.
We’d love to see you have your cake and eat it too –
to be able to enjoy the holidays completely, but without the
following month’s letdown. How can you go about it?
The January letdown is just another example of what we call
“the slap” in our book Partnering, and in the videos
and CDs of The Voice Dialogue Series. It’s the reaction
we get when we let one self make an important decision without
getting input from the opposite side.
The secret in life is not what you do, but who does it. Each
of us has our own particular set of primary selves – the
selves that “drive our psychological cars” and make
most of our daily decisions. If one of these selves makes a
decision – any decision – we are likely to get the
slap at some point further on down the line from an opposite
(or disowned) self. Let’s look at some of the inner selves
we mentioned in the beginning to see how this works.
If the Responsible Parent takes over in December, it might sound
something like this: “I’m a responsible kind of person
and I truly love being in charge. I have lots of energy and
it’s not a problem for me to run everything. I know I’ll
do it right; but I’m not so sure about what the next guy
is going to do. The holidays are important, too important for
me to leave the planning to someone else.” People are usually
pretty happy to let this kind of Responsible Parent take care
of everything. If this is the part of us that does the holiday,
we have a great deal of energy during December, but when everything
is over, the opposite self emerges. It’s the less responsible
self, one that can delegate and believes that others are perfectly
capable of handling responsibility. The slap from this self
might sound like: ”How could you tell the others not to
worry about the cleanup? You did all the preparation. How could
you encourage them to just relax – if they had all pitched
in, which they are perfectly capable of doing - everything could
be done by now and you wouldn’t be faced with this mess!
You are such a sucker; I can’t believe that you let them
get away with this!”
When the Pusher takes over, there is a great rush of pride in
how much gets done. Later, the slap may come in the form of:
“You did what?? That’s way too much. It just wasn’t
worth it.”
How about the Party Person? “I like to work hard and play
hard! I look forward to the holiday season all year! It’s
my time to be with others and to play. It’s great not to
have a care in the world for a couple of weeks. I think of it
as my reward.” The slap on the other side might be: “You
were so excited that you didn’t finish up here and you
didn’t think of planning for your return. Now look at the
mess you have to clean up.” Or: “In all the excitement,
you forgot to pay your property taxes. You’ve missed the
deadline and now it’s going to cost you a big penalty.
You just weren’t paying attention - this didn’t have
to happen!”
And the Pleaser or Generous Giver: “For me, the holidays
are the best time of the year. I love all the hustle and bustle
and it makes me so happy to get just the right present for everyone.
I just love making this time of year special. It gives me such
pleasure to see others happy.” The slap here is your inner
Scrooge, who is less than happy when the bills arrive.
What can you do to avoid the slap that follows the holidays?
You drive your own psychological car. Try to consult your inner
opposites before you make your decisions. Listen to your:
-“Expert at Letting Others Do It” as well as your
“Do it All- Responsible Parent”
-“Inner Scrooge (or the Bill Payer)” as well as your
“Generous Giver” or “Pleaser”
-“ Cautious Planner” as well as your “Party Person”
-“the Beach Bum who’d rather go away to Hawaii than
do the holidays” as well as your “Pusher who can accomplish
miracles”
- “the Spiritual Self who would like to feel the meaning
of the holidays” as well as “the Extravert who loves
the parties and the excitement”
Last, but not least, ask yourself: “What would make me
happy this year? How might I be cared for?” as well as
listening to the selves that only know how to care for others:
your “People Pleaser” and your “Caretaker”.
In this way, your decisions will be more balanced, they come
more from you rather than from a self. The slap will be avoided
as well as a good part of the annual January letdown.
Enjoy the Holidays!
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