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From Default to Choice- A Re-programming of Your Relationship
“Software”
Part III - Negative Bonding Patterns
by
Sidra L. Stone Ph.D.
Everyone knows about “negative
bonding patterns”. You may not know what they’re called,
but you know what they feel like. They feel absolutely dreadful!
It’s the way that you feel when things are just not working
in a relationship. But, before we talk more about this, let’s
take a moment to review what we said previously about the “bonding
patterns“ which we see as the “default setting”
for relationship:
When just a few selves take
over and control the relationship – as they do for everyone
– you have little choice in the way you relate and you behave
automatically. We think of this as the “default setting”
in relationship.
This default position in relationship
is one that is programmed into us at birth. We call this template
a “bonding pattern”. It is the normal and natural
way that the baby relates to its mother and the mother relates
to the baby; it’s the way in which we give and receive nurturance
But when we are no longer infants,
this default position for relationship remains and is no longer
so useful. If you look carefully, you find that much of the time
you are relating to others in the same parent/child fashion. The
mother or father in you relates to the child self in another and,
conversely, the child self in you relates to the mother or father
in the other. This is still natural and normal – but it
is no longer rewarding.”
The Negative Bonding Pattern
Now back to the negative bonding
pattern. In contrast to the positive bonding pattern, you are
caught in an uncomfortable child/parent set of interactions. The
selves involved in the negative bonding pattern are usually angry,
rejecting, judgmental, or withdrawn parental selves and hurt,
stubborn, fearful, or abandoned child selves.
There’s nothing subtle
about these – they just feel bad. In fact, it is when you
are in one of these negative bonding patterns that you might well
feel that relationships are just not worth the trouble. It is
in these negative bonding patterns that you find yourself thinking
things like: “I knew it! All men (or women) are like that!”
or “I’m just no good at relationship.” or “Relationships
are impossible – I give up!”
You may feel misunderstood,
taken-advantage-of, desperate, lonely, and powerless, or you may
feel righteously judgmental and angry with your partner. Either
way, the relationship feels bad - very, very bad. You are trapped
in an impossible situation; trying to make things work with someone
who doesn’t hear you, misunderstands you, responds in all
the wrong ways, hurts you, and - unfortunately - seems to have
all the power in the relationship. And most surprising of all,
your partner usually feels the same way about you. The harder
you try to fix it, the worse things get - because it is the selves
that are stuck in the bonding pattern that are trying to get you
out of it and they are part of the problem.
But worst of all, this negative
bonding pattern very often follows a positive bonding pattern.
You have gone from the trust, comfort, and apparent safety of
the positive bonding pattern to this – and you feel deeply
betrayed.
The Gift of the Negative
Bonding Pattern
Believe it or not, there is
truly a gift in all of this! The negative bonding pattern is a
great teacher. There are three big lessons to learn from it:
You learn to care for yourself.
This covers your entire life – everywhere you have overlooked
your own vulnerability, feelings, and needs. You may need to set
a schedule and balance your checkbook, to take time to do things
that give you real pleasure, to set boundaries, to react to others,
to ask for (and be able to receive) what you need, to take better
care of your own physical needs, to develop a spiritual life,
etc., etc.
You reclaim the selves you’ve lost over a lifetime.
Everyone has lost something – the selves that think, that
are self-nurturing, that play, that feel, that have power, that
have creativity, that are sexual, that are spiritual, that can
be perfect, that can be imperfect – and on and on. The selves
you judge (or overvalue) in others are those you need to reclaim.
You learn to “reprogram your relationship software.”
Until you begin to change your automatic patterns of relationship,
your default self takes over when you are not taking care of yourself
properly (see step 1). It takes care of matters for you –
and not very well, we might add. The negative bonding pattern
wakes you up - it gives you the opportunity to learn about this
self and reprogram your way of dealing with life.
What Can You Learn From
a Negative Bonding Pattern?
1. The self you judge in the other
person - the one you like least - is the one that has something
important to teach you. It is your “disowned” self.
It is a part of you that was lost when you developed your “primary”
self – who you are in the world. If you use this as a chance
to reclaim that self – not to become it – you have
just added a new, useful, and exciting dimension to your personality!
How this works: For instance,
your primary self is a Perfectionist or a High Achiever. Your
partner never seems to do things perfectly but is quite content
with a performance that seems good enough to satisfy others even
if it doesn’t satisfy you. Granted, it’s great to
do things really well, to be impeccable and to enjoy the sense
of superiority that this brings, but wouldn’t it be wonderful
to have a bit of choice about this? To be able to set priorities
and decide that some things need to be done perfectly, but others
can be just “good enough”?
That’s where your partner’s
more relaxed self comes in. If you could just take a bit of this
into yourself (think of a drop of the essence of it) – you
don’t have to become a total slob – you could have
some choice. You wouldn’t always have to be tops in the
class and life would be a good deal easier.
How Can You Disengage from
a Negative Bonding Pattern and “Reprogram Your Computer”?
Know you are in a bonding patter and use the bonding pattern as
a learning situation. Look at the pattern rather than at the other
person. See how the “dance of the selves” is operating.
Negative bonding patterns occur when you’re not taking care
of your “inner child”. This may be as simple as eating
a meal, phoning a good friend who makes you feel better, getting
some sleep, finishing a task that has been waiting to be finished
(or conversely – stopping your work and doing something
that’s fun).
Think carefully – just as you look both ways before you
cross the street, look at both sides – before you say either
yes or no to someone else.
It is important to know how to talk with the other person –
not at him or her.
Learn when you’re connected with one another and when you’re
not. This is something we deal with in detail on the videos and
our CDs. It helps to see – or hear - this as well as to
read about it.
We believe that all relationships,
(not just romantic ones) – and the challenges they present
– are the most exciting roads to self-knowledge, personal
growth, and real empowerment. For learning more about these bonding
patterns and how to deal with them and for help in analyzing your
own, watch the Voice Dialogue Series and read our book, Partnering.
All of our material – videos, books, CDs, and audiotapes
– deals with relationship and bonding patterns. Look them
over and see what seems appropriate for you.
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