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From Default to Choice- A Re-programming of Your Relationship
“Software”
Part I - Bonding Patterns
by
Sidra L. Stone Ph.D.
There is more to each of us
than we ever expected we are richer and more complex - and our
relationships can help us to see this. They can teach us about
who we really are; they can help us to expand our choices and
to live our lives more fully and with more excitement than we'd
ever dreamed possible.
But this requires that we look
at ourselves and at our relationships in a new way. It means that
we no longer think of ourselves as unitary beings, but as being
made up of many selves. Like diamonds, we have many facets, each
different, each brilliant and beautiful once we understand its
meaning in our lives. When looked at in this new way, life becomes
full of possibilities and relationship becomes a path to the realization
of these possibilities.
Let us see how this works.
Our Selves
When we are born we are a mass
of possible selves. But as we grow up in a certain family and
in a certain place, some of these selves begin to dominate our
personalities - we call them the primary selves - and others are
pushed aside - we call them the disowned selves. Which selves
become primary and which get disowned varies from person to person
and depends upon a combination of their basic genetic makeup and
the effects of the environment in which they grow up.
So some of us grow up more responsible
and others are less responsible, some are perfectionistic and
others are more relaxed, some care a great deal about what others
think and others couldn't care less, some work hard all the time
and can't seem to stop and others really know how to relax, some
are self-critical and others criticize the rest of the world,
some rely primarily on their thinking for gathering information
and others on their feelings. The differences go on and on.
What is similar about all of
these is that each of us has a set of these primary selves and
- equal and opposite - a set of disowned selves. The primary selves
are our current assets or who we are in the world, the disowned
selves represent our untapped potential.
Our Relationships
Just as we have narrowed down
the possibilities of who we are by developing a group of primary
selves and disowning the rest, in relationship we narrow down
our possibilities of interacting with others. When just a few
selves take over and control the relationship - as they do
for everyone from time to time - we have little choice in the
way we relate and we behave automatically. We think of this as
the "default setting" in relationship.
So the first change in the way
you look at your relationships is to realize that relationships
are between two groups of selves - not two people. When this default
setting takes over, most people eventually feel trapped, and the
trap feels unpleasantly familiar.
The nature of this trap varies
from person to person. For example: (1) Mary feels as though she
can't use her brains, but John feels as though his brains are
working just fine but he is emotionally paralyzed and he can't
feel any feelings or (2) Susie feels very competent and responsible
for everybody, while Andy just feels more and more incompetent
and not able to care for himself, much less anyone else.
But there is a basic pattern for this default setting and we call
it a "bonding pattern."
Bonding Patterns - The Default Setting in Relationship
The default setting in relationship
is a natural one that is programmed into us at birth. We call
this template a "bonding pattern". It is the normal
and natural way that the baby relates to its mother and the mother
relates to the baby; it's the way in which we give and receive
nurturance. If the baby didn't relate by taking nourishment from
the mother and the mother didn't feel good about giving nourishment
to the baby - if there is no bonding - there is trouble. Without
this parent/child bonding, the baby doesn't thrive.
But, when we are no longer infants
this default position for relationship remains and is no longer
so useful. If we look carefully, we find that we are relating
to others in the same parent/child fashion. The mother or father
in us relates to the child self in another and, conversely, the
child self in us relates to the mother or father in the other.
This is still natural and normal, but for most people it is no
longer rewarding. There are many ways in which this can show itself
and we can't look at them all here, but we can give you an example
of this default setting - a classic bonding pattern.
Mary is a feeling person and
has a tendency to become a caretaker. This caretaking self in
her would "bonding" with John's unspoken needs and take
care of him. When her "default setting" takes over,
she must take care of John and his unspoken feelings even if this
means she does not take care of herself 'she has no choice in
the matter ' a role she invariably assumes with men. As this happens,
his default setting takes over and he becomes more and more rational
in his behavior and distances more and more from his own feelings.
He has no choice in the matter either - he becomes the thinker
and planner in the relationship - and he is the responsible, stoic,
well-organized father, a role he invariably assumes with women.
When we look at this bonding
pattern, we can see that the mother part of Mary is taking care
of the son part of John while the father part of John is taking
care of the daughter part of Mary. Neither has any real choice
in the matter, and neither can bring the fullness of themselves
to the other. John can't feel his feelings and Mary can't use
her brains.
Beyond the Bonding Patterns
Think of it as setting the
preferences on your computer. You can still use the default settings,
but you now have choice. You can change the details of the relationship
- just the way you can change the preferences on your computer
-so they suit you.
So if we go back to Mary, once
she moves beyond the bonding pattern she has choice. She may still
take care of John's emotional needs, but she now can take her
own emotional needs into consideration. She can also see that
John carries a very important disowned self for her ' the mind
that she had totally forgotten about, the mind that she had disowned
when she was a little girl. She can use her relationship to John
to help her reclaim her mind rather than depending upon him to
carry the thinking for both of them for the rest of their lives.
She then has access to both her feelings and her thinking.
And John can have choice as
well. He may still want to carry most of the responsibility for
thinking things through, but he can begin to ask Mary to figure
things out and to take some responsibility for the planning in
their lives. He can learn about his feelings and begin to pay
attention to them. He can use the relationship to Mary as a way
to reclaim the feelings that he never knew he had, the feelings
he disowned when he was a boy and he developed his mind as a primary
self. Thus it is that relationship can become a powerful teacher
for both of them.
The Possibilities
You can begin to see the amazing
possibilities for growth (and healing) that open up for you when
you look at your relationships in this way. We will be giving
you more details about bonding patterns in the coming months.
In the meantime, you can think about your own relationships and
your own primary and disowned selves. We explore bonding patterns
in depth in our videos & audios, The Voice Dialogue Series.
Part II -
Positive Bonding Patterns >>
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