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The Inner Eaters System
Identifying natural weight
through balancing the parts of the personality that are involved in eating
By
Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas
“This tastes so good. Why stop? Have some more.”
“How dare you waste food?! Don’t throw it
out... eat it!”
“I want to eat, whatever I want to eat, and nobody can
stop me.”
Sound familiar? How about these?
“What is wrong with you? Why can’t you
eat like a normal person?”
“I have been bad last night. Starting today,
I’ll be good, eat right and exercise every day.”
Do you recognize any of these voices? Do you have others?
These are some of our inner eaters, the parts in one’s personality
that eat without awareness; these parts prevent us from reaching
and maintaining “natural weight.”
What is natural weight and how is it determined? Natural weight
is a state in which one feels comfortable about one’s body
image. One knows he or she has arrived at this state because there
is no daily struggle in maintaining this weight. One reaches natural
weight by reading and following the body’s signals when eating. The
challenge lies in deciphering WHO (which part of the person) can
sense and translate those signals. When the body is fed more
than it needs, WHO in the person does the overfeeding and why? In
other words, WHO is really eating the food?
The development of the Inner Eaters System was initially influenced
by my personal story of yo-yo dieting combined with three decades
of experience as a psychotherapist and work in the substance abuse
field. It was further enriched by the process of individuals
participating in a program I have developed called Dieting
Know More. Another major source of inspiration has been the
theory of the internationally renowned psychologists and authors
Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone called the Psychology of the Aware
Ego and the Selves.
The Inner Eaters System is composed of sub-personalities or inner
selves in our psyches that are involved exclusively with food and
eating. One group of inner selves uses food as a tool for
psychological comfort, protection, pleasure, or stress release
instead of for its nutritional value. These inner selves misuse
food by either over- or under-eating. This group is called the
Inner Comfort Eater Selves (ICES). When the ICES take over, the
experience of food and eating brings pure ecstasy and/or total
escape followed by severe self-criticism.
People who develop the ICES as a dominant part of their personality
view food as having a multipurpose, the least of which is feeding
the body. Often they act in highly specialized ways, associating
certain groups of food with specific emotional needs. When
the ICES take control of eating decisions, they resist the rules
set by other selves pertaining to the time, place, or manner of
eating.
Usually people identify and name their own group of ICES. For
example, an individual might have “The Secret Eater”,
a self who eats in secrecy whenever nobody else is around. The
same individual might have also developed “The Filling-the-Void
Eater”, a self who comes in whenever he or she is bored or
lonely.
The main gift that the ICES bring is the protection they offer
from any hurtful, overwhelming, and unpleasant emotions. They
protect by blurring these emotions through eating. They act as
first responders and are constantly on call. This group
of inner eaters takes care of vulnerability that a person may be
unwilling or unable to handle directly.
The ICES are limited by the fact that they have no connection
to the body, especially to the stomach and taste buds. When
the ICES are active, one eats whether or not one is hungry and
continues to eat after the stomach is full. There is no tasting
of the food; instead, a person will eat large quantities of food
very quickly. One of the most serious limitations, is how the ICES
bring on inner critical attacks. These inner critical voices
enter after a meal or first thing in the morning. When one tries
on clothes in department stores, steps on a scale, or looks in
the mirror, he or she suffers attacks severe enough to cause depression. In
an effort to deal with the depression, a person will eat more,
thus creating an unending, vicious cycle.
Conversely, another group of selves uses food only for its nutritional
value. These selves are known as the Nutrition In-Tune Eater
Selves (NITES). When the NITES take control, one treats eating
as a strict and serious regimen, categorizes food as either good
or bad, defines right and wrong portions, and recognizes correct
or incorrect food combinations at all times. For example,
one might have developed “The Healthy Eater,” a self
who eats only what is considered healthy and rarely buys any products
without reading the labels. For another individual, “The
Weight Watchers Eater” might have become dominant in his
or her personality. This is a self who equates food with
points and who carefully counts every time he or she eats.
One of the NITES’ benefits is that they place food in perspective,
and their main function is to enable a person to lose weight. This
is done by following external cues, usually through prescribed
diet plans and programs. NITES are well educated about the
nutritional aspects of food as well as different types of exercise
and are extremely concerned with the individual’s health.
This group has strict rules, and following these rules can bring
concrete results. Identifying with the NITES might very well be
the only way for an individual to reach a natural weight, thus
maintaining one’s health and saving one’s life.
One of this group’s limitations is that it does not allow
for any flexibility in eating. Its rules resemble army commands
that sometimes exclude a person from eating entire food groups. NITES
are constantly mindful of when, how much, and what one should eat
as well as how frequent and intense an exercise regimen should
be. They often require the person to measure food, to specify
how many meals should be eaten daily, and at what times during
the day one should eat them. This consumes a significant amount
of energy and removes the natural joy and pleasure that eating
can provide. The NITES have no connection to the body because a
person is forced to follow external cues at all times, at any cost.
When either the ICES or the NITES become dominant in one’s
personality, the body’s natural rhythms go unnoticed, the
taste buds’ needs go unmet, and the stomach’s signals
remain undetected. Therefore, the cues as to when to begin and
when to stop eating are dictated by inner selves rather than by
the body’s physiological needs.
When one becomes available for a transformational shift, the two
groups of inner eaters are integrated and the body’s signals
regarding eating are consistently taken into consideration. This
process is called Body In-Tune Eating (BITE). One is ready
for such a change when one gets tired of yo-yo dieting and becomes
determined to end the struggle with eating once and for all. As
one begins to use Body In-Tune Eating, one is able to enjoy and
find pleasure in food, making healthy nutritional choices while
staying connected with and tuning in to the body’s signals. One
reaches this state by learning to identify, understand, and befriend
their inner eater selves.
One way of getting to know one’s inner eater selves is through
the Voice Dialogue method developed by Drs. Hal and Sidra
Stone based on the theory of the Psychology of the Aware Ego
and the Selves. Voice Dialogue is a transformational
tool with which one dialogues with the different parts or selves
residing in the psyche for clarification and understanding of their
function in one’s life.
When utilized with the Inner Eaters System, the goal of Voice
Dialogue facilitations is to empower one to separate from
his or her dominant inner eaters and to embrace the less dominant
or disowned eaters on the opposite side. Through this process
the two sides are integrated, promoting more choice and balance
in one’s eating patterns. Vulnerability that used
to be buried by the inner eaters gradually surfaces and is handled
with awareness from a new “middle place” in one’s
personality the Stones call the Aware Ego Process.
Following is a Voice Dialogue facilitation with Dina. (The
name has been changed to honor anonymity.) We dialogued with
one of her NITES she called “Healthy Choices Eater” and
with one of her ICES she named “Rebellious Eater”.
Her “Rebellious Eater” was born when she was 9 years
old. Dina was the youngest of four. The
only family member paying attention to her, making her feel safe
and included was her older sister who was 12 years older than Dina. When
Dina was 9, her sister moved out. Dina felt lost, abandoned
and unsafe. She started using food to deal with her feelings. She
over fed herself and gained weight. The kids in school started
making fun of her and she felt humiliated. The more
she felt humiliated, the more she ate. The more weight she
gained, the more they would make fun of her and so on. That
is when her “Rebellious Eater” was born. During
our Voice Dialogue facilitation I asked Dina to move on one side
so I can speak to this self. This is what the self had to
say:
The Rebellious Eater
“I am angy. I am rebellious and angry. I bite my nose to
spite my face.
I don’t have any rules about food. Anything goes. I
use food and I abuse food.
She gets to have what she wants with no rules. I can do whatever
I want. If I want to go to McDonalds, I go to McDonalds.
I am never satisfied. I want to have everything. I
say, ‘I want something sweet and salty and thats what I
do’
There are no choices. No picking one or the other because
I can have everything.
I am angry because of judgements people put on me so what, what
my body looks like I say ‘Too bad for you. I can get
fat if I want. Too bad if you don’t like it.’
I give her a hard shell because if someone hurts your feelings
you say, ‘I don’t care’, but you really do but
they don’t know it.
I protect her hurt feelings.
She got picked on a lot in school. She was hurt. Then
I will come in almost like a bully and sooth her with food. I will
say to her, ‘Have some cookies.’
I can always nurture her with food. No matter how sad, angry
or lonely she feels. If she is alone I comfort her with food
and that is why I give her all those choices. She can have
anything she wants.
It is like saying, ‘I am OK even if somebody thinks I am
not OK’.
She always felt inferior when she was overweight. People
made fun of her and she was taken advantage of. I despise
when she is submissive.
When you are overweight you are submissive to somebody who is not
overweight.
When I am around she feels strong. She doen’t have
to feel all that hurt.”
The “Healthy Choices Eater” was born in Dina’s
late 20s after the end of a love affair. At the time, she
was so devastated and furious that the only way to punish the ex-boyfriend,
she thought, was through losing weight to make him regret what
he left. That’s when the “Healthy Choices
Eater” came in. She lost 33 lbs, kept it off for a
year, but then ended up putting it back on. During the same
facilitation I asked Dina to move to the other side and this is
what the “Healthy Choices Eater” had to say:
The Healthy Choices Eater
“I have many rules. First and foremost, you have to have a balanced
diet. You have to eat all good, healthy foods. Exercise.
Drink lots of water.
Meditate.
I am the one who knows you have to live and food is part of life. It
is normal to enjoy food but without the guilt. I know it
is OK to have a piece of cake and not lose your mind. Even
though my mind knows you have to enjoy food yet when I hear someone
saying,
‘You can have a piece of cake’ it raises anxiety that gets me terrified
that I might lose control to the food.
I know it is rational to enjoy the food, but I get afraid that
once she tastes that she will knock me right out of the way. I
rather have her stick to the healthy choices. Even if I say
it is normal to have a piece of cake now and then, someone else
does not know that and she takes it as a green light to go with
it without stopping.”
When she moved back to the middle, in the Aware Ego Process, she
was able to discern the gifts and limitations of this pair of opposites. She
identified how the “Rebellious Eater” is a hard shelled
protector sheilding her from hurt, sadness and loneliness. While
in this self, she feels strong and ready to take on the world. At
the same time, however, she recognized that since this self places
no limitations or restrictions around food it causes binge eating
and weight gain leading to self-loathing and depression.
Conversely, the “Healthy Choices Eater” takes care
of her need to have self-control, enjoy a state of well-being while
enabling her to lose weight and feel attractive. This self
takes good care of her, the way a mother takes care of her child. However,
the “Healthy Choices Eater” can be quite restricting. Dina
experienced this self as regimented and boring, never allowing
her to indulge in anything.
Through Voice Dialogue facilitations Dina separated from her “Rebellious
Eater” and began embracing her “Healthy Choices Eater” enabling
her to lose and keep off the weight. Gradually, the underlying
feelings of abandonment she experienced as a child began to surface,
and she slowly learned to handle them from this new place in her
personality; the Aware Ego. In the beginning as her vulnerability
appeared from under the inner eaters, it was new and quite scary
for her. With time and more Voice Dialogue facilitations,
she has been strengthening her ability to soothe and comfort past
and present feelings of loss and abandonment. Operating from
the Aware Ego, she is holding the tension between the ICES and
NITES, controling their tendency to “rush to her rescue” through
the only way they know how: over- or restricted-eating.
These days, when the inner eaters come in, she recognizes them
faster, dialogues with them, calming their concern about her safety
thus preventing them from taking over for long periods of time. She
is learning to utilize their gifts, integrating them in her life. For
example, when she puts on unwanted pounds, she is aware that an
Inner Comfort Eater Self has been present. She looks for
situations in her life where she has neglected herself, not taken
care of her needs or ignored her feelings. In this way, this
eater serves as an alarm system, making her pay attention to the
state of her emotional life. When she decides to lose those extra
pounds, she is learning to bring in the “Healthy Choices
Eater” with awareness to guide her to lose the weight. Through
this ongoing process of vigilance, self-responsibility and aware
action, she is able to maintain her natural weight and attend better
to her vulnerability.
When one discovers his or hers own inner eater selves and begins
to read the body’s physiological signals, one is empowered
to make choices about eating without regrets. When the ICES
and NITES stop dominating how, when, and what to eat, one can reach
and maintain natural weight and minimize self-criticism regarding
body image. When engaging in Body In-Tune Eating, one reaps
the benefits of both types of inner eaters as they become integrated
and vulnerability can be handled directly in a more conscious way. When
the Inner Eaters System is balanced, one has a chance to break
free from the powerful and self-destructive attachment to eating
while developing a natural and pleasurable relationship with food.
© Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas, 2008
Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas, LCSW, BCD, CASAC, CHt, is a psychotherapist
in New York with three decades of national and international
clientele. She is the creator of Dieting Know More,
a four-level program for natural weight maintainance. Ms. Koumidou-Vlesmas
is a Senior Voice Dialogue Facilitator and Teacher that studied
and worked directly with Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone for many years. The
Executive Director of the Koumidou Center, LLC, Yolanda develops
and leads retreats, workshops and training in self-empowerment
throughout the United States, Europe and Australia.
Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas, LCSW
516.568.0306
koumidou@optonline.net
www.dietingknowmore.com
www.koumidoucenter.com
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