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Notes From My Journey
By Hal Stone, Edited by Sidra Stone

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

I started out wanting to share a particular dream with you that I have titled "The Truck Judaica" because it has meant so much to me in my healing process.  In addition it feels as though this dream it has been "working" me in a particular way.  You might say that it has been "having its way with me" in a very significant fashion. It also seems to me to be a collective dream that has to do with all of us. This dream occurred on June 4th when I was still moving through a feeling a great fragility that followed hospitalization at the end of March and my slow recovery from a bacterial blood infection.  I finally felt clear of this by mid July.

On August 23rd I had a small stroke, or possibly a transient event of some kind, that landed me in the hospital again.  I had some serious motor symptoms but fortunately my mind was not impacted by the event and I recovered rather quickly from the symptoms I did have with the exception of my voice. Even that is now about 90% improved and my voice sounds quite normal as long as I don't force it. 

At that time I made a decision not to do clinical work any longer so, since then, Sidra has been running our complete professional life as well as doing all else that needs to be done. I am starting to do some writing again which is feeling wonderful to me.  I thought all was well and this stroke was really a shock to me.  It was a shock because I really never expected such a thing since I have been on Coumidin ( a blood thinner ) for many years.  After finally feeling that I was in very good shape in July I thought I might have clear sailing.  Being awakened at 3 AM by a stroke and being unable to sit or stand and hardly having a voice at all was certainly not clear sailing and that is for sure.

In a very strange way however this last illness has has been a real gift; it initiated a new phase of my life and I am now moving into very new territory. I no longer anticipate clear sailing. This is a fantasy that belongs to the young.  I certainly would enjoy some time away from the hospital or a new medical emergency, but whatever is, it is.  I quite suddenly feel the "I am" that has simply not been there before.  I don't mean to say exactly that it doesn't matter whether I am sick or healthy and yet, in a certain way it really doesn't matter whether I am sick or healthy.  "It is" and "I am" and that is the way of life.

My personal process has intensified since the end of August (the stroke was August 23rd) and the changes and shifts have begun to manifest in our lives. Sidra's own process has intensified and I must say, in all honesty, that flirting with death and illness and living on the edge and sharing all of this together has really been a wonderful experience between us.  And along with this, there are reactions to the new levels of vulnerability that come with this time of life. So it is that we have discovered new basements filled with bonding patterns - some new and some old - and we are finding new ways of working with these.  And, as a special gift, the higher energies have begun to hum in a new and different way. 

Because of all of these experiences I have had many ideas and thoughts flying through my head recently and have been feeling that I have much to say. I have a great deal happening inside of me and there seem to be a multiplicity of thoughts and fantasies and possibilities of expression that are available to me.  It really has felt like a bit much and I had no idea where to turn with all of this. Then about a month ago I had the following dream that explained what was happening: 

Creative Energies
October 29, 2014

I was in a large space – like a place in space or in just a different order of reality.  Flying around and above me were a multiplicity of energy patterns; they were flying all over the space where I was standing. It all felt very chaotic.  I decided in the dream to organize this material and bring order to the chaos.  So I got very busy - I typed things up and created a lovely  notebook that large and attractive and in which was now summarized all of the creative content that was flying around  and I felt much better for having done this.

I then sat down and with great satisfaction opened my lovely, neatly ordered notebook. As I started to read the first page I found it unutterably boring.  It had no juice and I was deeply upset and disappointed.  Then the   voice of "Presence" communicated itself to me approximately as follows:

"It is not your place at this time of your life to try and organize Chaos.  We know how to do that and we will organize the Chaos for you.  When you feel it is time to do something then you will know what to do and then do it and it will go very easily."  I felt very relieved.

End of Dream

I felt at peace after this dream.  All the pressure to do something was gone.  The Voice of Presence is not an actual Voice.  It is rather a silent communication  may come to me from this Presence or it may be between us.  It is telepathic than actual, very much like the description of people who have died and communicated back their experiences after dying and they often describe this kind of telepathic reality as the norm in the afterlife. 

It is my belief also that this shift in consciousness was able to come through in this way because of the changes that have been emerging since I first dreamt of the "Judaic Truck."   People who have been living the Aware Ego process over time begin to experience this sense of Presence more frequently than before.  It leads us inexorably to the experience of Source Energy and the dreams become more focused and clear and clear in some uncanny way.  So far in my experience those individals I know who are into or moving into this kind of process find that dreams are the carrier of this process.  Meditation as a primary path is a different path – not better and not worse – just different.  It moves us in a specifically spiritual direction.

 

My Dream at the Beginning of this Most-Recent Process

A new process often begins in an atmosphere of chaos - a chaos that lasts until some new form begins to emerge. Dreams that contain pieces of the mysterious components of this form may not become clear to us for many months - sometimes many years.  As I described above, this next dream occurred several months ago at the beginning of this current process. I wanted to share it with you because I think it will be as meaningful to you as it has been to me.  To be even more specific, I would say that it is esessential for me to share this with you because we are all of us a part of a common matrix system and each little blip in our energetic activity affects all of us.

I intended writing a short commentary along with this dream, but the ideas were flowing easily so I just went with them and the short commentary kept getting longer each time I read it over and began editing it.  Sidra's editing went very easily.  In fact we didn't even come close to dropping into a negative bonding pattern.  

And so we come to the dream.  It Is; and so You Are; and so I Am – simply a tiny little blip on the radar screen of our energetic ancestry.

The Dream Vehicle from Heaven Judaica 
June 4th, 2014

It is evening time – possibly 9 to 9:30 PM.  Hal is in charge of a garage in the desert area of California.  In this space he can service very large trucks in addition to regular trucks and cars.  It is a very large facility that is co-extensive with miles of empty desert and there is a feeling of great space around the garage. A lonely two-lane highway runs in front of the garage but strangely enough, the highway seems to have traffic only going from left to right.  Hal has seen no other traffic at all until the truck-like vehicle of this dream turns into the garage at a certain point.

Although Hal is in charge of this garage, he seems less an owner than a manager of this establishment. Working with him are small people that he never actually sees. They are simply invisible presences. These small people are most likely from a different planet or galaxy or universe or whatever. The mood is very quiet and the sense of the desert is very spacious.   

A very large truck-like vehicle drives into the entrance area and pulls up to where Hal is standing. The driver gets out and he tells Hal that the truck needs a good servicing.  He says that he has been on the road for a very long time and it needs a full servicing. He then shows Hal what needs doing. 

First, there is the servicing of the regular engine and all of the outside body sections that can be serviced and checked. Then he shows Hal that behind the cab, there is a very long and large truck area divided into two parts.  In the front third to half of the truck is the most amazing assemblage of communication equipment of many different kinds that Hal could ever imagine. 

This is not ordinary equipment for use in reaching other parts of the U.S. or the world.  Rather it is a system designed to communicate with other kinds of planets or galaxies or universes.  It is beyond Hal's imagination as to what they connect to but he knows that he and his helpers can do the work. His helpers are the "Little People" who are efficient and, as mentioned before, they are wonderful workers and they remain invisible to Hal's sight.  Though he never sees them, he seems very familiar with them and they with him.  The truck driver seems to be in contact with them in some way and simply finds the whole situation very natural. Even I - as I write this dream - can feel their presence.

In the back, larger, section of the rear of the truck Hal is aware that there are about 40 to 60 people living there communally. There is no secret about them being there and Hal would be free to meet them but he wants to wait until the work is finished and he can ask the driver about all of this.  There is a mystery here and Hal wants to do the job first and then take some time to see what he can learn about what is going on.  Hal and the helpers get to work and complete all of the repairs in two to three hours. It is now about 1:00 AM.

When Hal is finished, he asks the driver about this truck.  He knows there is a story and that there is something very special about what is going on. The driver tells him in a very matter of fact way that this truck and all of the people in it, including himself, have been sent from a separate layer of heaven to the planet earth.  The vehicle comes from the "Heaven Judaica" and this "Judaic Truck" travels as a vehicle with around 50 people living within it.  It travels the roads of the planet earth and it makes itself available to anyone who wishes to spend time with them.   Essentially, if people are drawn to them, they are invited to simply be with or live with them for a period of time. What they receive from this experience has to do of course with the mystery itself. The driver himself is very much present, very matter of fact, and speaks with a sense of clarity.

In describing what they do, the driver makes clear to Hal that they do nothing.  They do not teach or preach to people. There is no attempt to convert people to Judaism or to any group or ideology of any kind.  There are no rules, no dogma, no doctrines. They present no ideology; they don't show anything about dancing or singing or literature. They simply live together as they always do and, if you wish, you may live among them for as long as you wish. Strangers simply enter into the life of these "travelers" and when the connection has come to a natural end it is then time for the truck to move on. 

Sometimes they may come to a place that is in full solitude and they will stop the truck and live there for a month or two just to be stopping and living on land and doing whatever it is that they do.  They have been traveling and doing this for a very long time. It almost feels ancient.

It is now close to two hours after midnight.  Hal invites the driver with his people to spend the night at the garage facility.  The driver thanks him but says they are always ready to go when it is time to go and these endings happen in a very natural way. It is most natural for them to leave at a time like this. It doesn't occur to Hal at this point to suggest that they hang around for a time because he would like to be with him.  He wasn't quite ready yet but the energetic reality of "Truck Judaica" has been growing stronger and stronger in the waking  Hal and its reality seems to be manifesting in some new and unfamiliar ways in recent weeks.

Back in the dream, Hal watches the truck drive out onto the highway and he watches it as it slowly climbs the first hill. He has a feeling of fullness and strangeness as he stands watching until long after the rear lights have disappeared in the distance.  He stands in the deep silence of this space. He stands also in the presence of the mysteries that surround him.  He looks back at the garage and sees nothing really of a physical garage and yet a garage is there.  The little people are also there; their presence is real and yet they remain invisible and they are real companions of his and he of them.  He has little understanding or knowledge of what is happening but that is exactly where he belongs.

 End of Dream

 

A Few Thoughts About the Form of the Dream

Let me say a few things about the form of the dream as I have written it down. I title all of my dreams unless they are too short.  It helps me to remember them and categorize them when I wish to do that.  I also use a star system of from zero stars to five stars.  The five star dream would be the most significant in one or more ways.  For example it could be a dream with a strong emotional impact as well as being a dream suitable for teaching and/or writing.  Zero stars is often a working dream where things are less organized and also less meaningful.  Usually at the end of the year I review the dreams and after that I bring the starred dreams into a summary category where I keep all dreams of significance.  The others are just stored for posterity.

The other thing I do is to type the dream about Hal in the third person.  I have been doing this for a number of years and I strongly recommend that you try it.  By and large it is the case that the "you" in your dream – known as the dream ego – is really a picture of one of your primary selves or significant selves at this particular time.  When I write about Hal instead of "I" what I am doing is immediately separating from the primary self system of the dream ego and taking a step back towards Awareness. Thus I have an immediate overview of the dream that feels very different to me and that seems to strengthen the Aware Ego Process. 

Why Share the Dream at This Time?

This dream keeps returning to me and running with me.  It sticks to me in a way that is hard to describe but it also grows  with a sense of increasing intensity and authority. It brings with it the feeling of being pulled into an energetic matrix that is not under my control. When I go over the dream, both my Mind and my Heart are strongly activated. It brings with it a sense of quiet and it leaves me always with a deep sense of peace and mystery.  I finally decided that I wanted to share this dream with a wider audience.

I just need to go over a little background which requires some repetition.  I have been struggling with medical issues for the past three years.  This year however I really came very close to the edge.  At the end of March, I was hospitalized with a bacterial blood infection and for the first time ever in my life I wanted to die. I have been close to death several times before in my life but it was nothing like this.  Sidra led me through this hospital period and convinced me that I needed to wait a few days to allow the antibiotics and the hospital regime to begin to take hold. It all worked and I began to feel some sense of relief. I can only say that the recovery took a very long time and I felt quite fragile and on the edge until mid summer.

We were overwhelmed at the level of support and love and concern that we experienced during this period of time.  On the east coast two of our friends and colleagues – Ruth Berlin and Abby Rosen - started a Saturday morning prayer group that was primarily devoted to my state of health and support of both of us during my recovery.  The group has now morphed into a Saturday morning prayer group/meditation group to support the health of anyone who felt ill or anyone who simply wished to have this kind of group support and experience.

So it felt natural to share this dream with the group that has been supporting us in such a powerful and significant way.  The matrix that has been created by these weekly meditations interacted with my own sense of the matrix of this dream.  I can't explain it but it seems so natural that the matrix systems of each of us would be interacting with other such systems in individuals and especially groups.

What I Know Now

For me this dream expresses a new and deepening phase of where the Aware Ego process moves us in our evolutionary journey of consciousness.  I feel over these past few months that I am leaving something behind as I am being gently pulled into this new kind of experience where knowledge as I have known it in the past no longer feels relevant to me. 

In the simplest way that I can express what I am feeling, I can say that at this point in my life I know less and less of what has been. I would like to share with you some of what comes to me now, at this moment of time.

I know now that  "I am."  I know that "Life is."  I also know that there is a life eternal – not as a place to strive for but just as a reality to know.  I know that this life we live is of immense importance. Many believe what we do here on earth is just a dream or that it doesn't really matter because it is of no importance – because it is simply a projection of our ancient energetic ancestry.  Do not allow the passion of our lives to be turned into nothing!  What we do and how we do it is essential to the higher order planning that has created the reality in which we live. We were not embodied on this planet in order to spend our lives trying to get dis-embodied.

I also know that Bonding Patterns are forever - like breathing - and that our relationship to them changes also – Thank God. I know you will all be pleased to know that Sidra and I are fully involved in our bonding patterns with each other because the vulnerability of aging throws us into them in ways we never could have understood without being here.  They belong because they are part of life.  They are part of the "I AM" of our existence. 

Try if you can to not get lost in Voice Dialogue.  It is a most remarkable methodology for activating the Aware Ego process and it is available to us forever.  If you get too lost in doing it the right way there is a real danger of becoming imprisoned in the thickening cement of dogma. A soul based creative system of work will always support the passions we share for experiencing our own unique self revelatory process.

I also know that if you try to be more loving or try to be more compassionate to solve life's issues you will be building garbage dumps in the sky. When you try to love, then you bury your disowned energies and they surface in unexpected ways to do their mischief in the world.  When you try to love, then the parts of you that don't love go into hiding.  This is one of the reasons why judgmental selves become so strong in so many people who see themselves as caring and loving human beings.  You can only shovel so much garbage under the carpet or in the basement or even in good deeds.  Ultimately it begins to smell  It is certainly a goldmine for us therapist types and pretty well guarantees us adequate financial security.

I know that we must embrace the darkness that holds so much of what we feel is unwanted and objectionable inside of us while, at the same time, we learn to discover and feel the natural love and compassion that is there.  So instead of trying to be anything, just forget about trying to be loving, trying to be compassionate, and trying to be forgiving!  Instead just keep embracing the oppositional energies that our constantly operating in our lives.  It is this process that leads to the development of an Aware Ego Process.  It does take a good bit of time and work enter this process but it is certainly a guarantee against boredom. And you will be amazed at what happens to you when you get used to stretching your arms wide in both directions and living with - and learning to embrace - all of the oppositional energies that live within you.

I know that when you listen to people talking, don't just focus on the content of what they are saying. The content is often, certainly not always, quite secondary.  Instead try focusing on who it is that is speaking in the other person.  What Self is talking? Now this is indeed a different way of relating to the world of relationship. Going along with this kind of understanding I would encourage you to learn about the energetic interaction that is happening between you and other people. It is an eye opener and life is forever changed.  Saying I love you to someone while you are energetically present and saying it when you are not energetically present are as far apart as two things can possibly be.  How I wish all of us could use this awareness in our relationships.

I know also that our judgments are one of the greatest gifts we have, once we learn how to use them consciously.  What you judge in another  person or thing is what you have disowned in yourself.  It sounds so simple but remains so enormous a gift to all of us.  It is like a lantern that can light our path in the dark once we know how to turn it on.  After all, you can't turn off the darkness but you can turn on the light and the lantern of the conscious use of judgment is one of the strongest contributors to the unfoldment of our consciousness process. 

Judgments live in every nook and cranny of our being, so you will be working at this for this lifetime and I suspect long after.  As our judgments lose weight in us, then love and compassion gain weight.  We don't have to try to find them. They emerge in the loveliest process you can imagine.  So many   people try to get rid of judgments because they think and feel that they are bad.  The reality is that they these judgments only get bigger inside and take up more and more space.  So instead disowning our judgments, we look at the judgment and see what it is that we are disowning. Then we see how we project onto other people the demons and/or the angels that live within ourselves.

I know that illness is one of life's greatest teachers.  I know too that everything that befalls us in life can be a great teacher. There are many lanterns that are now available to us to help light the many paths that we follow and many guides and fellow travelers to accompany us on our journeys. We are indeed fortunate to live in a time when the consciousness process is valued! We have so many lantern developers that provide us with so many options towards self discovery.

The consciousness process, in whatever form it may take, is really worth all of the work and time that we can give to it.  If at all possible be sure that you separate over and over again from your Critic and your Pusher as you get older.  Add to this the need to be on intimate terms with your own core vulnerability and really know how to use vulnerability in a conscious way.  This means learning how to feel vulnerable and how to express your vulnerability in a conscious way, through the Aware Ego Process. 

Vulnerability expressed through our victim self does not get rewarded by anyone around us - it opens us to further victimization.  And disowning vulnerability maintains a life of isolation that most people don't even know they are living.  Vulnerability expressed in a conscious way can move mountains and change all of our relationships dramatically.

I know that death is not the end just as, in its own way, birth is just a different kind of beginning.  Sidra's willingness and ability to manage all of our professional and personal activities has allowed me to continue to move through this process and that is an amazing gift that has been given to me.

I have no idea what physical difficulty will come next.  I have begun to feel as though I have been setting a world's record for things that can go wrong with the body in one lifetime.  I have lived on and off the edge for the past three years and yet I can say to you in all honesty that I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life - more at peace than I ever have been in my whole life. I can't guarantee that I will feel this way a month from now or one day from now.  We are what we are, whatever our fate happens to be.

It is strange to think that I have not at all discussed the dream with you.  Just come back to it for a few seconds or minutes when you are so inclined and just allow yourself feel the energetic power of the dream.  A symbol cannot be dealt with by the small mind or there will be no more juice left in the symbol and instead you will have sign and not a symbol.  As we age our dream content brings us more and more symbolic material and we have to allow it to live and breathe through us rather than putting our mind in gear  and interpreting the content.  

Much love to all of you who may read this letter. Thank you in particular to those of you in the meditation group that have supported us since the end of March when I was first hospitalized in our own hospital in Ft. Bragg. 

I hope we have a chance to visit together sometime soon when Truck Judaica comes along. There seems to be a great deal of space around them for all of us. We apparently don't have to do anything; we don't have to try to do or not do; and I imagine that there are no CEU credits available for attendance and I'm okay with that.

 

Hal Stone  
Albion, CA
voicedialogue.org
© November 22, 2014

 

 

 

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